Together Doesn't Feel Right At All
by Monroe Kay
Summary: Cook was a pig. Cook was a wanker, a tosser. He was a slag. He was just like her. He was a ghost, a shell that wasn't built for this world. A body that was created for destroying. Their eyes met, they weren't perfect together. But she craved him.
1. Chapter 1

She walked the moonlit streets by herself, but she wasn't afraid. She was alive, and that was the worse thing that was. She walked like a ghost, void of emotion. That way it was easier. She had the presence of death around herself like perfume. As she turned into the a side yard, careful not to fall over any of the lawn ornaments as she stumbled across the obstacle course in black stilettos, and her signature fishnets. As she opened up the door to the shed in the back of the house, a cloud of smoke billowed on her. _I better get a spliff to the face_ She thought. After her parents tried yet again to sit her down and talk to her about how their divorce shouldn't affect her life, or her slipping grades in college, she walked out the back door in the middle of their screaming match. The boys we're already there, as was Pandora. Panda always looked out of place. Usually bright and colorful, she was the pink balloon set in a pit of dark poisonous vipers.

Cook had already started drinking, probably hours before this. He was rarely seen without a bottle in his hand. She reached into the medicine pouch around her neck that she received as a gift from an old friend in New York City. She pulled out a handful of pretty colored pills. She took two of the small blue ones, popped them between her pale pink colored lips and dry swallowed them. She took a seat on one of the chairs.  
"Ef, Ef!" Effy turned around to see Jj eagerly calling her name. If she had it her way, he wouldn't want her; he wouldn't want any of this. He wouldn't be part of this life. He was the sweetest thing she had ever seen, and despite the shit he has seen being dragged along on Cook's many misadventures, he still had a large amount of innocence in his eyes. He amused her, and that's why she didn't make him leave and go where he belonged.

"I learned a new magic trick!" he pulled out a deck of cards, as Cook handed her a spliff. She took the dark blue lighter from her medicine pouch and lit it, sucking in the sweet smoke and holding it in her lungs. Her eyes glazed over as Jj showed her the trick. Pandora was bound to puke in the next hour, Effy thought to herself. Pandora was innocent too, but not in the way Jj was. Pandora wanted this life; she wanted to be accepted into this. Yes, it was true she couldn't handle it, but it was still her choice. After watching Panda cough while lighting the spliff, she passed it back to Freddie.

Poor Freddie, he just didn't understand. They would be perfect together, but Effy didn't do perfect. She fucked up perfect, she ran away from perfect. Love gets you hit by a bus, or so she had been told. She would break his heart.

Then her eyes landed on Cook, who was lounging in a chair, drinking vodka straight from the bottle, already on his nightly bender and muttering The Ace Of Spades under his breath. Cook was a pig. Cook was a wanker, a tosser. He was a slag. He was just like her. He was a ghost, a shell that wasn't built for this world. A body that was created for destroying.

Their eyes met, they weren't perfect together. Even when they were together it didn't feel right. But yet she still craved him. And it doesn't feel right at all.


	2. Chapter 2

The night felt young. Daylight has always felt foreign to her. It brought a harshness, it showed flaws, it showed who people really were, and Effy didn't like that. At night you could be whoever you wanted to be. Something about the darkness that enveloped her seemed to take away reality. It takes away the sad reality that is life, she thought.

She didn't particularly like spliff. But it did take the edge off of everything. She preferred psychedelics, which took her to a whole different world. Or Ecstasy, which made everything seem fan-fuckin-tastic.

"Alright" Cook's harsh voice broke her stoned thoughts. He threw his J on the garage floor and let it burn a neat little hole in the rug to join the others. "Let's fuckin' head out"

Effy took the last puffs of her joint.

"Jolly. I'm mashed" Pandora said, then let out a giggle. Instead of shaking her head, Ef just gave her one of her famous demure smiles. One that said, you amuse me. Cook wordlessly gave her the rest of his cheap plastic bottle of vodka. She drained the rest in two big gulps. She also liked alcohol. It helped feed the lost and empty feeling inside her. Sometimes it was mind numbing. Most people blurt out secrets when they drink. Some get angry. Others just love everyone. Effy wasn't any of those. It numbed her mind that raced at a million thoughts a second that she never voiced. It made her…almost normal.

She glanced at Cook through the hair that fell in front of her face. At the same moment he glanced back, no stared. He stared at her dead on. His eyes empty. Just like hers. It started off with a list; it was suppose to be amusing. It was suppose to be a game. Maybe it still was. But more pawns were out. The moves were getting trickier and more dangerous. It was a deadly match.

"Where are we going, Ef?" Pandora said as they walked out of the garage.

"I don't know" Effy said. Her voice a little thick from the hash and vodka. They walked down the street, to the bus stop. Effy lit up a cigarette. Her pale pink lipstick stained the butt of it. Pandora was jittery. Jj was jabbering on to Freddie about something that had no interest to her. Cook had busted out his second bottle of vodka. They were such an odd group, not just at the bus stop but in general. The only thing they had in common was that they were all royally fucked up.

Jj just wanted to be normal but biology wouldn't let him. Pandora just wanted to be accepted but her niaveness couldn't help but show, she was more fragile than a human should be. Freddie was just looking for love, but all he ever found was emptiness, like the emptiness inside of her. Katie had to have control over everything or else her little world would crumble. Emily was lost in everyone's shadow. Naomi thinks that being a little lost is an excuse to do anything she wanted. Thomas was just broken. Cook was on a constant search for something more reckless than the last. And Effy was just empty.

Then suddenly Cook was passing her the bottle. She put down a good third of it down her throat before she passed it back to him. She started to play with her lighter. First burning off a stray string on her midnight blue dress, It was originally suppose to be a long shirt, but she didn't do modesty. Modesty was for those who could feel. Then she burned her cigarette but until it was completely blackened. Then she held the flame up to her thumb. She could barely feel it. Maybe she really was empty.

But then she looked to her right, and saw Cook staring at her hand. She quickly let the flame go out. His gaze traveled from her thumb to her eyes. He gave her a little half smile, and then raised the half full bottle in the air in a silent cheer.


	3. Chapter 3

No one really knows lost Effy Stonem really was. She acted like she knew it all, and everyone believed her. Everyone thought she had all the answered, when really she had none of them. She liked not having any of the answers. That way everything was simple.

Her thoughts were yet again broken. The bus pulled up with a lurch. She stood up, fixed herself, and decided to be the Effy everyone expected again.

The bus ride was as silent as the bus stop was. No one knew where they were going. They were all waiting for Cook to make a move. But she knew he had no idea where they were going either. Some nights, when Effy was lying next to him she would try to tell herself that she couldn't feel, she would wake him. She would tell him just to drive. They were as silent as they were on the bus. She would roll down the window and feel the cold breeze on her face, waiting to feel anything else but what she was feeling. And it felt just like this. Waiting for him to make a move, waiting for him to turn around and decide it was time to go back home, waiting for him to turn into a rest stop and turn onto her, waiting for him to turn into an all night bar, waiting for something.

She pulled out her lighter again, this time burning the uncomfortable and hideous blue seat next to her. She watched it blacken.

"Stop it, Ef" Pandora's slightly whiny voice made Effy come to. "Sometimes you scare me, what if you just set this whole bus on fire. Jee wiz." Effy let the lighter go out again and placed it back in the medicine pouch she had around her neck. When she looked up, he was looking at her again. In the same way he was looking at her at the bus stop, the same way he was looking at her in the shed. She pulled out another handful of pills from her pouch. Little white ones this time. She took one of them, and handed the other one to him. His hands were rough, they always were. They were different then her smooth delicate ones.

"Thanks princess" he said and turned to face the front of the bus. Thirty seconds later he stood up. "Well this is our stop mates". Everyone got up and followed him. Effy looked out the window and let out another one of her demure smiles. She had been here before. It was a block of abandon warehouses. Tony use to take her to parties here sometimes. This was the place they were at when Cassie came back. When everything was happily ever after and destroyed at the same time. It was a perfect place for tonight.

Cook took her hand as they walked down the dark street, only lit by the almost full moon hanging above them, broken bottle littered the street. As his hand firmly held hers, she felt an energy flow between them, bouncing back and fourth. It was something that made her heart beat faster and her skin tingle. She felt like the air around them was filled with electricity. She yanked her hand away as if she felt a shock, and let it fall to her side.

She got her wish, she felt something. She just wasn't sure if she wanted to feel it.


	4. Chapter 4

It was a good ten minutes before she would look at him again. She washed her thoughts out with a stoplight of shots, and convinced herself that none of it happened. By the end of her eighth shot,Cook reappeared and she let out a smile.

"What chu got in that magic sack of yours tonight love?" He asked, eying not only her medicine pouch, but the skin that it laid upon. Effy just continued to smile. "Oy, mate" Cook shouted to the bartender. He turned around. She knew him. Not well, just vaguely from roundview. He was in Tony's year. Tall, medium skin, nice smile. Not bad for the eyes. His eyes met hers and he let out a wide smile.

"What can I get you?" He said, but not to Cook, but to Effy. Before she could open up her mouth,

"Lager, a shot of Whiskey, and two shots of Bernett's for mai lady" Cook shouted, dragging the bartenders attention away for her to him.  
Scottie, that was his name. She finally remembered. He places her shots in front of her, and smiled wide again, his eyes only on her. "Mate, do I need to put up a sign or something, don't stare at mai lady"

Her attention was turned back to Cook. The bartender quickly turned away, and you could hear him mutter under his breath, "Wanker"

"So, girl. What goodies do you go tonight?" Effy pulled a few yellow pills from your pouch, and Cooks face lit up. Sometimes he looked like such a little boy. And as she handed him the pill she sand

_The wheels on the bus go round and round_

The night bore on in a haze of drinks, beats, and sweaty bodies. What might have been hours later, or just fifteen minutes, she was being pulled away from a fun dance with Katie into the arms of him. He wasn't her boyfriend, he wasn't her lover, he wasn't her friend, he was just Cook.  
Their bodies were as close as they could be, only a thin layer of clothes separating them. The beat of the music was pumping through her heart. It was going faster and faster. She was struggling to keep up. Her breaths were becoming ragged. And suddenly the music, and the feeling inside of her exploded.

She took his hand and dragged him as fast as she could out the side door with the flickering exit sign above it. As she pulled him out into the cold alley, she could hear just a chuckle before she jumped on him and let the feeling consume her again.

That was the beauty that was Cook. She could be with him and feel nothing.

Not the nothing that was meaningless sex she has with others. But a peaceful, calm nothing. Her mind was quiet for the moments she was with him. She liked to think his was too.

As they lay together on her bed, tangled in sweaty sheets, her eyes stayed glued open.

_If and only if, _She really did feel what she felt for that second tonight, what would it ammount too? They were Cook and Effy, they were nothing and something at the same time. They were undefinable.

But she really didn't know him, and he didn't really know her. They were two people lost in the darkness, finding escape in eachothers destructive behaviors. They were the sid and nancy.

She turned to face him, "cook" she whispered, trying to wake him, he gave a grunt.

"cook"

"what princess?" he said in a half asleep voice, a voice that sent involunatary shivers down her body, not that she'd ever admit it.

"Tell me something" she whispered, his eyes were still shut. His face more peaceful than she had ever seen it.

"Tell you what?" he half mumbled.

She didn't speak for a minute or two. "Tell me something real" she whispered, her voice barely audible. After a minute of silence, she figured he drifted back to sleep. She put herself in the crook of his arm, her comfort zone.

Right before she fell asleep, she heard his voice in her ear, "Your the only thing that is real to me" he whispered.

She wasn't sure if she was dreaming or if it was real, but she smiled anyways. A rare real smile that he never saw.


	5. Chapter 5

_Cliché_

It was so fuckin' cliché. Her and Cook. Cook and her. At least he didn't say those three words, those three words that she couldn't handle. They were like black magic.  
If you say I love you, you die.  
You die inside, and your loved one dies inside. Tony died inside, her mother died inside, Freddy was dead inside. She was not gonna be this way.

In truth, those words scared her, but Effy Stonem wasn't scared of anything.

She grabbed her purse, and grabbed her phone out of it, she scrolled through the numbers. She needed a distraction, she needed to feel numb. She paused as she passed Cook's number. He use to be able to make her feel numb. Take away everything she didn't want to feel. But now she didn't want to feel him.

She closed her phone, and went to her computer and typed in the Roundview Student Directory, and got what she wanted it.

The bar was grimy, the glasses had a film on them. But she figured the alcohol killed most of the germs anyways. She took another swig of her drink, some neon blue concoction that the bartender swore would take the edge off of anything. It was her second of the evening and the buzz was starting to sink in.

"That stuff will kill your liver faster than cancer" a deep voice next to her said, she turned her head.

"Well cancer isn't as fun as this" she said.

She invited Scottie to this grimy pub. No one she knew ever went here, it was worse than that pub that Cook took everyone to that his vulgar uncle owned. She let out one of her famous demure smiles, the one that got her anything she wanted. And all she wanted tonight was to get monumentally fucked.

Without a word she grabbed Scottie's hand and took him to the dance floor. Some god aweful pop/dance tune was playing, but the music didn't quite matter right now. He placed his hands on her bare waist and she pulled her body as close to his as she could get. His smile said he was the luckiest guy in all of Bristol right now. Most would think he was right.

"You wanna feel something good?" she whispered in his ear. Even though he didn't say anything, his eyes said that he wouldn't want anything more than that.

She reached into the medicine pouch around her neck, and pulled out a small white pill. She placed it on her tounge and swallowed. She pulled out another and as he held his palm out she shook her head and gave a smile that would give the devil a run for his money. She placed the pill on her tounge again and stuck it out.

He smirked and leaned his head down, put his firm lips on top of her soft ones and took the pill off with his tounge.

She was on top of the bathroom sink, and everything felt amazing, even though it shouldn't. The hard, dirty sink underneath her felt like a velvet throne. The horrible florescent light seemed like the soft light of the sun. And the boy's lips on her neck felt almost as good as the E she swallowed half an hour ago.

She wrapped her legs around him and pulled him closer to her as his lips traveled towards her breasts. She let out a soft moan. He took that as a tone of encouragement and took off her top. She reached her arms towards the ceiling as the threw her top and it landed inside one of the stalls. With a small _plunk _she realized her shirt was now in the disgusting toilet.

As her eyes momentarily landed on the door to the stall, she saw something small carved in there

_I AM COOK_

Fuck, no matter where she went he was there. He was on her body, in her mind, and under her skin


	6. Chapter 6

**_I never intended for this story to be anything more than a one shot, since i'm mostly not very good at writing continuous stories. But from the positive feedback, and my immediate love of this story i have continued it. You all seem to like, and i am very glad. I write it all a chapter at a time and never know where it's gonna start or end until i have finished it. But if you have any qualms, criticism, notes, encouragement, or suggestions, just leave them in a review. I check almost every day_**

**_-monroe kay_**

They were on another one of their adventures. Running around in the dead of night. It was his idea this time. They were drunk, and had too much adreline pumping through their systems.

"Lets steal something" she said. She had left Scottie in the bathroom of that bar. She didn't like to think about it. She didn't like to think about why she got up and left, why she couldn't forget Cook's name carved on that door, why being with Scottie all of a sudden felt wrong.

She was good at pretending. So she pretended it was nothing. They were Effy and Cook, they were nothing but mindless and destructive.

Of course his first instinct was to steal some liquor, until she reminded him they already had enough. She wanted to do something purely mindless, steal something they didn't even need. So that's how they ended up picking a lock to the door to some second hand clothing store. The pretty colored pills she took earlier made all of the scummy clothes seem better than they were. It wasn't even a good, slightly vintage second hand clothing store, but more like something that you gave away when your kids grew up and you wanted to feel like you did something charitable.

He had on these god awful checkered shorts that were a few sizes to big, he was laughing that manical laugh. She had on a frilly dress with too many layers and that was too long. She kept tripping over the hem. Everything was whirling.

"Well don't you look fit, love" He said, half sarcastically. She tripped on the hem again and bounced her hip off of a rack of chunky and poorly made jewelry. He caught her just before she hit the ground. His arms felt nice around her, familiar.

Maybe it was the drugs, Maybe it was the alcohol, maybe it was the fact that they were on the outside of Bristol, and in clothes that weren't their own. But she could pretend to be someone she wasn't. She didn't have to be strong or fearless. She didn't have to be Effy.

They found themselves sitting in the alleyway, new acquired outfits that they would never wear getting dirty on the damp concrete as they passed a joint between the two of them.

She was in a wedding dress that was stained yellow in some places, and at least five times to big. It kept falling off her shoulders, and she look sloppy.

"I know you, you know" He said. She couldn't desipher his words, or what they meant, so she just gave him a hard, quizzical look. "I know the beauty mark on the underside of your knee, what your hair looks like when you have just woken up, the look on your face when you know your doing something you shouldn't, and I know you"

"You don't know anything Cook. You know that I'm beautiful, and mysterious, and that you can never quite call me yours. And you like it" She said right back. She sighed, all of a sudden sober and exhausted. She didn't want to do this right now.

"No, princess. You think what you want to hear. But I know your insides, I have seen them. I know your insides as well as I know your outsides"

"I don't want to do this right now Cook" Her voice was tired. That's what she was. Tired of this.

"You may not want it. But you need me princess, you need me like a rich man needs cocaine" His eyes were too knowing, his tone too sure. She was Effy Stonem, she didn't need people, people needed her. She knew that he needed her, that he was addicted to her, and couldn't get enough breaths when she was around. She knew that no matter how many times she left him, he would still be there. That he could never stay away. When she turned around, he would be there.

So she got up, stepped out of the ugly dress that was now itching her skin and made it raw. And she ran, like she always did. Ran up and down the streets. Ran for a good half an hour until she found herself lost in the city and decided it was time to find home. She waited at a bus stop, knowing with one smile she could get the driver to take her home, even if it wasn't on the route.

She ran because she couldn't hear what he was saying. And she couldn't say what she was thinking. She couldn't say that she did need him. She needed him to always be there. She needed him to hold her at night. To pick up the pieces every time she broke.

Most people treated her beauty like it was fragile, like she could be broken at any minute. He treated it like a gift that had to be celebrated. Showing it off to everyone around him. He embraced her like he embraced life, with a destructive smile and as though it could last forever. That's what she loved about being with him. She could just give herself up to him, and he would take all of her without looking back. Any bit of her she would give, he would greedily take with his hands.

But she would never give him all of her, because if she had nothing left, then he would have all of her. And nobody could really have Effy. But if she would ever let go, let her nightmares and dreams, desires and fears, her darkness and share it with someone, he would be the only one who would happily take it.

And for that, a small part of her loved him


End file.
